a church or business?

I wonder if anyone feels loved beyond measure. Does anyone know what it's like to live with true friends and true family? What is that like? Because of the last few years, my worst nightmare has come true. It has been proven to me that people are not interested in me as a person, people are not interested in me for who I am, but only for what I do. This is a fact, sadly. If for the last 10 years I had documented my actions vs. people's response and care towards me I could certainly publish a research paper with proof. I've been both the "throw down person" and the absent, and it's unbelievable what has happened to me, to our "friends" to our "family" to our church family when we are a liability, a long term liability. Gone and abandoned. We are too much work and honestly, to them, not worth the effort to pursue. No calls, no visits. Occasionally a text or Facebook message which I believe is to satisfy the duty of "care" to us. I find it repulsive and unbelievably painful. When I am an asset, I am thought of, called upon and invited. As a liability, especially a long term liability, I sit, I wait, I hear nothing. I only see what I'm missing out on. What everyone seems to forget to ask me to. Our church has been a huge heart ache. Where the hell is everyone? Again, because we are no longer heavy hitters they phone has not rang. I will never go back. The last 3 churches have killed me. It's not family, it's the same as my family, conditional, judgmental and frankly I'm not good enough. Church plants are businesses, not families. No one wants you the way you are, they want you to change, be different, be better and are only interested if you do something, especially something cool. That's good business. Here is a business model. Now you tell me if this sounds like a church plant? Great business models depend on developing three "green lights," or qualities that help the business succeed: 1. finding high-value customers, High-value customers doesn't mean rich customers, but customers who meet the following requirements: a. Are easy to locate (invite them in, the goal is to get them to come to us, so our energy is spent on mailings, events at church, relevant messages to get them to come to us, very little effort going out to the community and serving the community) b. Allow you to charge a profitable price (the cost is work, people have been convinced that we MUST serve, we MUST sign up and create many ministries and events, we MUST do something for the plant to be successful. the price is time and money, but it's for the lost and the Lord) c. Are willing to try your product after minimal marketing expenses (this is cost and time effective outreach, we evaluate our events by numbers) d. Can generate enough business to meet your sales and profit objectives (profit objectives are numbers and tithe, is there a profit of people and new people coming?) 2. offering significant value to customers, it imperative that you stay on the creative edge to fend off competition. (we constantly evaluate the "relevance" of our messages and events to be cool, young and relevant. nothing for the old, that is lame and insignificant. the young run the show and drive the train) 3.and delivering significant margins. You can achieve high margins with other tactics, including the following: a. Use a more efficient distribution channel. b. Require less sales support and sales effort. c. Have an industry-leading lean manufacturing process. d. Offer more auxiliary products or other opportunities for revenue without increasing cost. (this is the driving force with continued evaluation of numbers) Great business models also avoid three "red lights" that can derail a business: 1. difficulties in satisfying customers, Consider whether it will be difficult--and therefore expensive--to satisfy customers once they buy. If your type of product might have high customer service costs, you need to configure your business to put these costs on someone else, either with partnerships or alliances or by restricting your sales to an aspect of the business that doesn't require customer satisfaction costs.(this is where the driving force of only paying attention to the big dogs comes in, after all even Jesus only hung with the 12) 2. trouble maintaining market position, A good business model uses its resources to improve its market position, adding new products, features and customers or expanding into new applications. (yep, that's a church plant because all other churches are lame and boring) 3. and problems generating funding for growth. Startup costs, operating capital, personnel costs and overhead costs are just a small percentage of the funding requirements for any business. The question is whether the investments will have a high return and whether the business can grow without substantial new investments. (and new people equals more money, discipleship brings in more money and workers)

Calamity

It comes and goes. Energized, exhausted. And calamity? Why that word? It's been so long since I have written here. The last 2 years have been a whirlwind. I don't think I can even go back and journal it accurately. My heart aches, it aches for many things. Most of all? For the relationship with my kids and their relationships with others. I break for Chrystal. Her anger issues stem from a lack of love for herself. Did I do that? Was I at the root of her frustration with herself and others? She is such a beautiful being. I don't get it. Daddy issues? What about me? How I have steered her wrong in her childhood. Is it unmendable? Then there's Ryan. My biggest regret. My sensitive son whom I've destroyed. He lacks trust, trust in others and self. One of the most personable people I know, except to us. He seems to hate family. Avoid any closeness to us, especially me. I have seen him. He is caring, funny, enthusiastic and more, but only when it comes to others. I'm so very sorry. So sorry for the hurt I have done. And Demi, she is beautiful, smart, incredibly imaginative and I absolutely love her personality. But, she hurts. She hides. She avoids. I often feel so much guilt and shame. It feels like a huge bullet hole in my stomach. If I could only erase it all. If only I knew then what I knew now. Why? Why was I not saved sooner? Not for my sake, but for the sake of my kids. They deserve the best and got scraps. I have changed. My family means everything to me. If I could only do one thing in this world and everything else would be taken away, I would pick my kids and hubby. To love, laugh, pray, worship and just do life together. It seems so broken now and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is all in my head and I have these crazy expectations of what family does. I just want to give what I never got and create what never existed for me. I have been seeing Celeste for over a year. It's been incredible. God story after God story. But it doesn't take much for me to spin back down. We now have Hadley, 1 month old. Unbelievable. Brooklynn is beautiful and so caring, Landon, full of fun, yet sensitive, Kendall, an incredible personality and adorable. I am blessed. They are the love of my life. But the news that Kelli is going back to work is heart-wrenching to me. I want to be supportive, it's my job. To walk along side, to cheer on. But the thought of Landon being left alone with strangers every day of the week while I'm at home, Chrystal's at home, and Tonna is a home is just gut wrenching. To think of him looking around knowing no one, wondering, where is mama? daddy? where am I? I want to go home. Ugggg. I'm loosing sleep. I want to snuggle him up and keep him. Ryan and Kelli refuse and I just don't know why. Daycare, early mornings, long days, drives home, late dinner, go to bed and do it all over again. What a nightmare, what a life. I created this. This brokenness in family. This trusting of no one. I did this. So how? How do I fix it. I can't. In my brokenness, God redeems. I must remain in Him. I can't imagine the pain of God giving up His Son. I'm a mess about my grandson going to daycare. Lord, You can show no greater Love. Such a calamity.

Ugggg

It's really all I have to say.......Ugggg. So I am still feeling paralyzed. What is this? I don't want to be near anyone, I really don't. I would dream of a day away, a weekend, a week, a month. A time where I didn't get interrupted by anything, questions, calls, chores, tasks, ANYTHING. I never seem to be able to complete a thought or task, everything seems to get highjacked by something. I don't want to physically do anything, no desire what so ever. Just sit. Not interested in adventures, writing, reading, talking or doing. I don't feel sad........just tired, numb and really "concern less" if that makes any sense? People (as well as myself) have asked, "depression?" But depression seems so much more Eeyore like. Glumb, oh whoa is me, the world sucks, I hate life, etc. I'm not like that. I just want to stop and do nothing. REST and quit being interrupted. I am just completely sick of selfish people. No one calls to pray, uplift, encourage, help, serve, etc. only to want, need or complain. I have done this. I have surrounded myself with these types of people. It is my fault. I am changing. I am searching and reevaluating my sphere of influence. I just seem annoyed and disappointed in everyone and everything. It's burdening me so how selfish people are. I'm overwhelmed. Does anyone really care? Are people really this self-centered? Who is it that we can turn to? Who is it that will not suck the life out of us? Who is it that gives? Lord, help me. Help me to see those who will hold up my arms in a world that needs so much. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am way off here and there is nothing that I have been facing that's so bad. I have health, life, a future, a home, shelter, an incredible husband, healthy kids. What more do I want? Maybe everyone that is bothering me is just a reflection of myself. Maybe I am sucking the life out of me. I lean to Him and His Holy Spirit to guide me and reveal my true heart. I just want out of this funk. Lord, do with me what needs to be done......as scary as that may be to think about! Love, Crazy

Where does it all end up? You know, it's been a wild last few years. I have no idea what's going on inside of my head. Is it all catching up to me? Am I just being a whiner and playing the victim card? Cause if I am, how weak is that? I have gotten to a point where I just don't care, or should I say, I don't want to care. I'm disappointed in myself and my attitude. I can't seem to stop judging and complaining about people. How am I to minister to others or to be a light in such a dark world when I myself am full of darkness. There's no hope in bitching, no one is drawn to it or encouraged by it. It always leaves everyone, including myself, feeling defeated. So then why? Why do I continue to do it when I so desperately don't want to? Why must I have so much negative to say about everyone? What's the root of my misery? These are all very tough, yet valid, questions. I'm just miserable in a sense. Frustrated beyond my ability to "suck it up cupcake" and snap out of it. I seem to hate everything and anything that people do and hate that I am surrounded by nothing but people who are miserable and lazy, yet it is what I have become. Is that why? Is it that my surroundings of influence have impacted me that much to be such a chameleon? I look for light everywhere. I desperately seek a positive role model to gain energy from and no one is there. Where are these women of strength, women of integrity, the sage in my life? I feel as if it's more than I can handle on my own. I can't fix everyone, yet people demand it from me. I am a continuous disappointment to everyone. Most of all, to not be sought after by my own kids is heart breaking. I desperately want to change and get out of my own self. Gossip, slander, resentment, the feeling of disrespect.......it consumes me and I really hate it. I'm overwhelmed, tired, defeated, frustrated and disappointed. I'm sick of leading, I'm tired of being the "starter", the motivator. I just want to follow for a while. Even this post depresses me. What a whiner, I'm thinking. But, thankfully, no one will read this. I truly believe people really don't care. How are you? Well, it's been tough.....followed by a, so anyway, about me. And, I'm defeated and again, feel used. I watch my daughter get manipulated and played and it's heart breaking. To see her be so, needy and unvalued kills me. Whatever..............I just want to run and be responsible for nothing for a while. But, I won't. Been there done that. I am no longer a child, so I will no longer act like a child. Selfishness is consuming me. We are a culture of narcissitic beings and I really hate it. Then again, this post is all about me. Maybe I am the worst of them all.

Dad

I had no idea how I was going to react to my parents passing. I knew it was inevitable. Dad was 89, Mom is 85. They won't live forever.

I never expected it to end the way it did. Dad in the hospital the last week of his life, Botsford to be exact. And the words that he said, piercing. Bitch, whore, slut, mother-fucker, I hate you, go home, you don't love me, you're gonna die, die, die, I'm going to get out of here find all your brothers and sisters and kill every one of you, kill, kill, kill. I'm going to get violent, you hear me? violent, violent, violent! Talking about my failed marriage, how stupid I was. Overwhelming. All the haunting words I have heard in the past all machined gunned at mean in one weeks time, day after day.

Then there was peace, and victory. I believe Dad saw Jesus. He told me he did. "I saw your Lord, Jesus. He was carrying your Aunt Dolly. He carried her to her grave and he laid her down there ever so gently. He's going to carry me there too and lay me down there too."

Mind-blowing really, but what I needed to hear! I feel like I miss Dad, but you know what I realized? I've missed him all my life. I have missed words of encouragement, attention and love and now that he is gone, it's like the yearning for a real dad has 10 folded! I grieve for his life, not his death. I grieve for the lack of relationship that we all had, not for what is gone. I grieve for his pain, hurt and suffering in his lifetime and it blew up in my face the last week of his life.

Dad was shackled all his life by guilt, shame and hurt. It was a vivid picture in the hospital and it killed me.

He is now set free, free from bondage because of His amazing Grace.

I love you Dad. I love you!

New/Renew

I find myself always in a struggle with..............myself! I can seem so determined, so confident, so sure of what I say and do until........I think about it. Doubts, questions, fear, they all creep into my head and I wonder, did I truly say the right thing, did I do what was best?

This Christmas was probably right up there with the best Christmas ever. Why? I really reflect back and ask why to get to the root of the answer to that question. It was a combination of a variety of things.

1. Christmas Eve: My parents were both there. Dad was NOT wasted. Big John came. Ken was not an asshole to Demi. ALL my children were there. Christopher and Anne were there and so kind and fun. And the announcement that Kelli and Ryan were expecting! You just simply can't get any better than that! There was really a whole lot of good this Christmas Eve. Even the bad turned to good. The situation of Lynne coming tanked with Kasie after bowling was ugly, but motivating to confront. I had the opportunity to share truth and confront. Chrystal was able to see and experience pain yet love with confronting. I was able to connect with Pat and his kids like I never had before. It was truly a Christmas miracle.

2. Christmas Day: John worked. Sad, but maybe for the best. Demi and I went to Tyler's house, I left to go to Pat's to confront Cupcake. What a day. Nick, Pat, Debbie and Kalli were incredible. Lynne finally accepted the gift of rehab/detox at Brighton! Beyond that, she asked about God! You seriously can't get any better than that! I pray hard now, I beg God to make this the moment of lifechange for everyone at hand! God is moving!!!!!

3. The Day after Christmas: All my kids, and Tyler. Day after Christmas, all day, no interruptions, no fights, lots of laughs, fun, games, naps and more! Nerf gun wars, food and more. It was sheer heaven for me. I love my kids more than anyone could ever know, but most important to me is I love to see them grow, love and experience true joy. I pray that Jesus becomes a pivotal part of their lives. Lord, invade all of their hearts.

My husband? The solid rock in all of this! He truly is. He has been from day one and will continue to be. I am blessed, blessed beyond all measure! I have incredible kids with incredible spouses and ones who love them and their kids.........beautiful! We are provided for, taken care of, accepted and forgiven by the most amazing God ever! NOTHING else matters.

Why was it the best Christmas ever? Peace and joy..........peace and joy!

When I doubt myself, wonder if I did the right thing or said the right words with Lynne, my kids, my brother, my husband.............I must stop and remind myself that truth and love are always the best solutions. There was a TON of truth this Christmas and certainly a TON of love!

I love you Jesus!

Regrets?

This afternoon my hubby goes in for surgery. It's on his ankle and I'll miss it. I have not mentioned it at work. I suppose I could walk out and be there for him. Do I? What about the money? It's Friday. I work 8 hours. That's quite a hit. I'm so torn!

He's my best friend. I will be there for him always. Am I? Where is my confidence now? Am I being weak?

Blah!

I just keep remembering the story my hubby told me about his Dad. The time his Dad was fired because he wasn't going to miss John's cubscout event. Wow. Honorable! Is this one of those times? It's pretty much too late now. No one will be in the office to cover for me until 1. John will be under the knife by then.

Lord, protect him. Let everything be healed and better than it was before. Guide the doctors eyes, hands and mind to do Your work.

I love you honey. My hand is right there in yours while you are there! :-(

Sometimes I hate who I am..............people think I'm so strong...........little do they know!