Will it ever end?

I often wonder what it takes and how long it will take to completely be delivered and healed from our past. I then wonder, "Is it possible?"

The last week has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I had been experiencing some female "difficulties" over the last month, chalking it all up as pre-menopausal issues. Bleeding for a month straight is not what I would call normal. As I had shared my concern with a few trusted friends, I come to realize it's not a normal menopausal issue either. So, with great reservation, I made an appointment to see Dr. Bradley.

I love Bradley. She is thorough, gentle, and competent and I trust her. She was able to get me in the very same day I called, OH BOY! :-P For some reason I took the last appointment she had available for that day to allow John to be there with me, I just really sensed I needed him there and with me in the room.

I did the normal routine, told my story ten times, got all my vitals down and then it began. It started with a typical "exam", stirrups, the beloved cold clamp; you know the usual.......assume the position ladies. Never a wonderful time for me. Because of my history and baggage, doing this is a real struggle. As she was finished Bradley decided to do a new technique to me. She wanted to get a "sample" of my uterus to be able to do some testing on. I dislike anything they throw at me, but I knew it had to be done, so I agreed. I thought, with John there, I will be able to do this. Boy was I wrong!

As the procedure started it too me back to a very dark place and time in my life, the time I chose to end the life of my third child. What happened to me emotionally completely caught me off guard. The feelings and even much of the wording said to me took me right back to the time when I had an abortion. I fought and fought inside knowing that I was an emotional wreck and that if I would just surrender my body and let go that things would be easier for both the doctor and myself. A tense patient poses challenges. I tried to go back, to go back to a place that I learned to go many years ago as a coping skill to allow people to do things to me I really didn't want done, but was better off just giving in. I did all I could to do that once more and just couldn't. Everyone in the room became aware of the battle for me, which then became a challenge for the doctor to do what she needed to get done. With her gentle spirit, she decided to stop the procedure. I was so disappointed thinking, "All that for nothing? All that drama and we didn't end up even getting a sample?" BLAH!

I was disappointed in myself, feeling like a failure. She ordered an ultrasound instead, but I was done with any more doctor appointments for now. All day long, the cramping was continuing, the same feeling I had years ago. Even today, 4 days later, the cramping is very painful and a "friendly" reminder of that horrific day years ago. I think to myself, "Is this a punishment? Is this a reminder of what a horrible person I am? How can I ever get any type of "work" done to me down there if this is going to happen? Can they just knock me out?"

The night after my appointment, we went to bible study at the Rice's, I shared somewhat with Laura, but pretty much sucked it up. When I went to bed I woke up in the middle of the night and it hit me. I had a dream that took me right back to the room I was in with the doctor in my face yelling at me to collapse my knees that were buckling to fight the murder that was about to take place. I wept louder than I have wept in years almost in hysteria waking my husband. He held me and I just wanted everything to go away. I never wanted any of that in my head again. How? How could this ever go away?

So, I really learned. I learned that I have got some things to deal with here. I ordered some bible studies online and spoke to a friend, someone who has been there done that about my day. Maybe we can help each other.

What is the lesson in all this? I'm not sure yet. I know that God will use if for good, He always does, but it doesn't stop the pain and guilt sometimes that goes with bad decisions. I too will grow from all this, I choose to be healed. I know the enemy wants to get a hold of this and use it to discourage me. I will press on, I will grow, I will overcome......sometimes easier said then done.