I wonder......

I wonder what it would be like to not let sin affect me. I wonder what it would be like to not allow other's destructive behaviors to them and to others in the wake of it all eat me alive.

Why? Why does it hurt so bad, keep me up at night and cause me to feel so helpless? I think to myself that it's disgusting. I allow other's behaviors to really make me mad and to say or think things that are unloving, unkind and down right mean. I gossip about their behavior to others, but rarely do I take it to them one on one. Why? What causes me to act to selfishly?

I do the same things. I mess up my own life and those lives around me just the same. AND the worse thing ever is when I am around these people, I act just like them! I talk like them, I pretend I'm on "their" side; I am crude, rude and vulgar as if it's second nature to me. Why?

It makes me sick frankly. I hate their behavior and mine, but at the moment I don't.

ROMANS 7 AND ROMANS 8! I was going to type in one verse here, "the do-do verse", but as I continued to read, God continued to inspire, as usual!

I do not confront because I am scared. I am scared of the aftermath or even worse, rejection. I often find myself easily manipulated or bullied, easily scared of those who are mean or condescending. Why?

I know it goes back to my childhood, but I cannot figure out where exactly or why. Maybe I am to never know. Maybe I am. But until then, I wait I suppose. I mean, what option do I have?