Calamity

It comes and goes. Energized, exhausted. And calamity? Why that word? It's been so long since I have written here. The last 2 years have been a whirlwind. I don't think I can even go back and journal it accurately. My heart aches, it aches for many things. Most of all? For the relationship with my kids and their relationships with others. I break for Chrystal. Her anger issues stem from a lack of love for herself. Did I do that? Was I at the root of her frustration with herself and others? She is such a beautiful being. I don't get it. Daddy issues? What about me? How I have steered her wrong in her childhood. Is it unmendable? Then there's Ryan. My biggest regret. My sensitive son whom I've destroyed. He lacks trust, trust in others and self. One of the most personable people I know, except to us. He seems to hate family. Avoid any closeness to us, especially me. I have seen him. He is caring, funny, enthusiastic and more, but only when it comes to others. I'm so very sorry. So sorry for the hurt I have done. And Demi, she is beautiful, smart, incredibly imaginative and I absolutely love her personality. But, she hurts. She hides. She avoids. I often feel so much guilt and shame. It feels like a huge bullet hole in my stomach. If I could only erase it all. If only I knew then what I knew now. Why? Why was I not saved sooner? Not for my sake, but for the sake of my kids. They deserve the best and got scraps. I have changed. My family means everything to me. If I could only do one thing in this world and everything else would be taken away, I would pick my kids and hubby. To love, laugh, pray, worship and just do life together. It seems so broken now and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's not. Maybe this is all in my head and I have these crazy expectations of what family does. I just want to give what I never got and create what never existed for me. I have been seeing Celeste for over a year. It's been incredible. God story after God story. But it doesn't take much for me to spin back down. We now have Hadley, 1 month old. Unbelievable. Brooklynn is beautiful and so caring, Landon, full of fun, yet sensitive, Kendall, an incredible personality and adorable. I am blessed. They are the love of my life. But the news that Kelli is going back to work is heart-wrenching to me. I want to be supportive, it's my job. To walk along side, to cheer on. But the thought of Landon being left alone with strangers every day of the week while I'm at home, Chrystal's at home, and Tonna is a home is just gut wrenching. To think of him looking around knowing no one, wondering, where is mama? daddy? where am I? I want to go home. Ugggg. I'm loosing sleep. I want to snuggle him up and keep him. Ryan and Kelli refuse and I just don't know why. Daycare, early mornings, long days, drives home, late dinner, go to bed and do it all over again. What a nightmare, what a life. I created this. This brokenness in family. This trusting of no one. I did this. So how? How do I fix it. I can't. In my brokenness, God redeems. I must remain in Him. I can't imagine the pain of God giving up His Son. I'm a mess about my grandson going to daycare. Lord, You can show no greater Love. Such a calamity.