Ugggg

It's really all I have to say.......Ugggg. So I am still feeling paralyzed. What is this? I don't want to be near anyone, I really don't. I would dream of a day away, a weekend, a week, a month. A time where I didn't get interrupted by anything, questions, calls, chores, tasks, ANYTHING. I never seem to be able to complete a thought or task, everything seems to get highjacked by something. I don't want to physically do anything, no desire what so ever. Just sit. Not interested in adventures, writing, reading, talking or doing. I don't feel sad........just tired, numb and really "concern less" if that makes any sense? People (as well as myself) have asked, "depression?" But depression seems so much more Eeyore like. Glumb, oh whoa is me, the world sucks, I hate life, etc. I'm not like that. I just want to stop and do nothing. REST and quit being interrupted. I am just completely sick of selfish people. No one calls to pray, uplift, encourage, help, serve, etc. only to want, need or complain. I have done this. I have surrounded myself with these types of people. It is my fault. I am changing. I am searching and reevaluating my sphere of influence. I just seem annoyed and disappointed in everyone and everything. It's burdening me so how selfish people are. I'm overwhelmed. Does anyone really care? Are people really this self-centered? Who is it that we can turn to? Who is it that will not suck the life out of us? Who is it that gives? Lord, help me. Help me to see those who will hold up my arms in a world that needs so much. Maybe it's me. Maybe I am way off here and there is nothing that I have been facing that's so bad. I have health, life, a future, a home, shelter, an incredible husband, healthy kids. What more do I want? Maybe everyone that is bothering me is just a reflection of myself. Maybe I am sucking the life out of me. I lean to Him and His Holy Spirit to guide me and reveal my true heart. I just want out of this funk. Lord, do with me what needs to be done......as scary as that may be to think about! Love, Crazy

Where does it all end up? You know, it's been a wild last few years. I have no idea what's going on inside of my head. Is it all catching up to me? Am I just being a whiner and playing the victim card? Cause if I am, how weak is that? I have gotten to a point where I just don't care, or should I say, I don't want to care. I'm disappointed in myself and my attitude. I can't seem to stop judging and complaining about people. How am I to minister to others or to be a light in such a dark world when I myself am full of darkness. There's no hope in bitching, no one is drawn to it or encouraged by it. It always leaves everyone, including myself, feeling defeated. So then why? Why do I continue to do it when I so desperately don't want to? Why must I have so much negative to say about everyone? What's the root of my misery? These are all very tough, yet valid, questions. I'm just miserable in a sense. Frustrated beyond my ability to "suck it up cupcake" and snap out of it. I seem to hate everything and anything that people do and hate that I am surrounded by nothing but people who are miserable and lazy, yet it is what I have become. Is that why? Is it that my surroundings of influence have impacted me that much to be such a chameleon? I look for light everywhere. I desperately seek a positive role model to gain energy from and no one is there. Where are these women of strength, women of integrity, the sage in my life? I feel as if it's more than I can handle on my own. I can't fix everyone, yet people demand it from me. I am a continuous disappointment to everyone. Most of all, to not be sought after by my own kids is heart breaking. I desperately want to change and get out of my own self. Gossip, slander, resentment, the feeling of disrespect.......it consumes me and I really hate it. I'm overwhelmed, tired, defeated, frustrated and disappointed. I'm sick of leading, I'm tired of being the "starter", the motivator. I just want to follow for a while. Even this post depresses me. What a whiner, I'm thinking. But, thankfully, no one will read this. I truly believe people really don't care. How are you? Well, it's been tough.....followed by a, so anyway, about me. And, I'm defeated and again, feel used. I watch my daughter get manipulated and played and it's heart breaking. To see her be so, needy and unvalued kills me. Whatever..............I just want to run and be responsible for nothing for a while. But, I won't. Been there done that. I am no longer a child, so I will no longer act like a child. Selfishness is consuming me. We are a culture of narcissitic beings and I really hate it. Then again, this post is all about me. Maybe I am the worst of them all.

Dad

I had no idea how I was going to react to my parents passing. I knew it was inevitable. Dad was 89, Mom is 85. They won't live forever.

I never expected it to end the way it did. Dad in the hospital the last week of his life, Botsford to be exact. And the words that he said, piercing. Bitch, whore, slut, mother-fucker, I hate you, go home, you don't love me, you're gonna die, die, die, I'm going to get out of here find all your brothers and sisters and kill every one of you, kill, kill, kill. I'm going to get violent, you hear me? violent, violent, violent! Talking about my failed marriage, how stupid I was. Overwhelming. All the haunting words I have heard in the past all machined gunned at mean in one weeks time, day after day.

Then there was peace, and victory. I believe Dad saw Jesus. He told me he did. "I saw your Lord, Jesus. He was carrying your Aunt Dolly. He carried her to her grave and he laid her down there ever so gently. He's going to carry me there too and lay me down there too."

Mind-blowing really, but what I needed to hear! I feel like I miss Dad, but you know what I realized? I've missed him all my life. I have missed words of encouragement, attention and love and now that he is gone, it's like the yearning for a real dad has 10 folded! I grieve for his life, not his death. I grieve for the lack of relationship that we all had, not for what is gone. I grieve for his pain, hurt and suffering in his lifetime and it blew up in my face the last week of his life.

Dad was shackled all his life by guilt, shame and hurt. It was a vivid picture in the hospital and it killed me.

He is now set free, free from bondage because of His amazing Grace.

I love you Dad. I love you!