Where does it all end up? You know, it's been a wild last few years. I have no idea what's going on inside of my head. Is it all catching up to me? Am I just being a whiner and playing the victim card? Cause if I am, how weak is that? I have gotten to a point where I just don't care, or should I say, I don't want to care. I'm disappointed in myself and my attitude. I can't seem to stop judging and complaining about people. How am I to minister to others or to be a light in such a dark world when I myself am full of darkness. There's no hope in bitching, no one is drawn to it or encouraged by it. It always leaves everyone, including myself, feeling defeated. So then why? Why do I continue to do it when I so desperately don't want to? Why must I have so much negative to say about everyone? What's the root of my misery? These are all very tough, yet valid, questions. I'm just miserable in a sense. Frustrated beyond my ability to "suck it up cupcake" and snap out of it. I seem to hate everything and anything that people do and hate that I am surrounded by nothing but people who are miserable and lazy, yet it is what I have become. Is that why? Is it that my surroundings of influence have impacted me that much to be such a chameleon? I look for light everywhere. I desperately seek a positive role model to gain energy from and no one is there. Where are these women of strength, women of integrity, the sage in my life? I feel as if it's more than I can handle on my own. I can't fix everyone, yet people demand it from me. I am a continuous disappointment to everyone. Most of all, to not be sought after by my own kids is heart breaking. I desperately want to change and get out of my own self. Gossip, slander, resentment, the feeling of disrespect.......it consumes me and I really hate it. I'm overwhelmed, tired, defeated, frustrated and disappointed. I'm sick of leading, I'm tired of being the "starter", the motivator. I just want to follow for a while. Even this post depresses me. What a whiner, I'm thinking. But, thankfully, no one will read this. I truly believe people really don't care. How are you? Well, it's been tough.....followed by a, so anyway, about me. And, I'm defeated and again, feel used. I watch my daughter get manipulated and played and it's heart breaking. To see her be so, needy and unvalued kills me. Whatever..............I just want to run and be responsible for nothing for a while. But, I won't. Been there done that. I am no longer a child, so I will no longer act like a child. Selfishness is consuming me. We are a culture of narcissitic beings and I really hate it. Then again, this post is all about me. Maybe I am the worst of them all.