New/Renew

I find myself always in a struggle with..............myself! I can seem so determined, so confident, so sure of what I say and do until........I think about it. Doubts, questions, fear, they all creep into my head and I wonder, did I truly say the right thing, did I do what was best?

This Christmas was probably right up there with the best Christmas ever. Why? I really reflect back and ask why to get to the root of the answer to that question. It was a combination of a variety of things.

1. Christmas Eve: My parents were both there. Dad was NOT wasted. Big John came. Ken was not an asshole to Demi. ALL my children were there. Christopher and Anne were there and so kind and fun. And the announcement that Kelli and Ryan were expecting! You just simply can't get any better than that! There was really a whole lot of good this Christmas Eve. Even the bad turned to good. The situation of Lynne coming tanked with Kasie after bowling was ugly, but motivating to confront. I had the opportunity to share truth and confront. Chrystal was able to see and experience pain yet love with confronting. I was able to connect with Pat and his kids like I never had before. It was truly a Christmas miracle.

2. Christmas Day: John worked. Sad, but maybe for the best. Demi and I went to Tyler's house, I left to go to Pat's to confront Cupcake. What a day. Nick, Pat, Debbie and Kalli were incredible. Lynne finally accepted the gift of rehab/detox at Brighton! Beyond that, she asked about God! You seriously can't get any better than that! I pray hard now, I beg God to make this the moment of lifechange for everyone at hand! God is moving!!!!!

3. The Day after Christmas: All my kids, and Tyler. Day after Christmas, all day, no interruptions, no fights, lots of laughs, fun, games, naps and more! Nerf gun wars, food and more. It was sheer heaven for me. I love my kids more than anyone could ever know, but most important to me is I love to see them grow, love and experience true joy. I pray that Jesus becomes a pivotal part of their lives. Lord, invade all of their hearts.

My husband? The solid rock in all of this! He truly is. He has been from day one and will continue to be. I am blessed, blessed beyond all measure! I have incredible kids with incredible spouses and ones who love them and their kids.........beautiful! We are provided for, taken care of, accepted and forgiven by the most amazing God ever! NOTHING else matters.

Why was it the best Christmas ever? Peace and joy..........peace and joy!

When I doubt myself, wonder if I did the right thing or said the right words with Lynne, my kids, my brother, my husband.............I must stop and remind myself that truth and love are always the best solutions. There was a TON of truth this Christmas and certainly a TON of love!

I love you Jesus!

Regrets?

This afternoon my hubby goes in for surgery. It's on his ankle and I'll miss it. I have not mentioned it at work. I suppose I could walk out and be there for him. Do I? What about the money? It's Friday. I work 8 hours. That's quite a hit. I'm so torn!

He's my best friend. I will be there for him always. Am I? Where is my confidence now? Am I being weak?

Blah!

I just keep remembering the story my hubby told me about his Dad. The time his Dad was fired because he wasn't going to miss John's cubscout event. Wow. Honorable! Is this one of those times? It's pretty much too late now. No one will be in the office to cover for me until 1. John will be under the knife by then.

Lord, protect him. Let everything be healed and better than it was before. Guide the doctors eyes, hands and mind to do Your work.

I love you honey. My hand is right there in yours while you are there! :-(

Sometimes I hate who I am..............people think I'm so strong...........little do they know!

I wonder......

I wonder what it would be like to not let sin affect me. I wonder what it would be like to not allow other's destructive behaviors to them and to others in the wake of it all eat me alive.

Why? Why does it hurt so bad, keep me up at night and cause me to feel so helpless? I think to myself that it's disgusting. I allow other's behaviors to really make me mad and to say or think things that are unloving, unkind and down right mean. I gossip about their behavior to others, but rarely do I take it to them one on one. Why? What causes me to act to selfishly?

I do the same things. I mess up my own life and those lives around me just the same. AND the worse thing ever is when I am around these people, I act just like them! I talk like them, I pretend I'm on "their" side; I am crude, rude and vulgar as if it's second nature to me. Why?

It makes me sick frankly. I hate their behavior and mine, but at the moment I don't.

ROMANS 7 AND ROMANS 8! I was going to type in one verse here, "the do-do verse", but as I continued to read, God continued to inspire, as usual!

I do not confront because I am scared. I am scared of the aftermath or even worse, rejection. I often find myself easily manipulated or bullied, easily scared of those who are mean or condescending. Why?

I know it goes back to my childhood, but I cannot figure out where exactly or why. Maybe I am to never know. Maybe I am. But until then, I wait I suppose. I mean, what option do I have?