Mixed Company

This Christmas, like any since I have been a believer, is full of mixed emotions and mixed company for me. As I grow in my relationship with Christ, I also grow into understanding and knowing my past. It's this weird emotional struggle: jazzed that I am growing and knowing who I am in Christ, learning how to embrace the gifts, talents, personality, emotions, heart and past that God has given me, but with that is this unusual tension of freedom yet burden in understanding my past. It's freeing as any revelation is for me. It's freeing when I see first hand the "training" I learned from my family and friends as a child and it's impact that it has on me now as a person. It's an ah-ha moment when I see it and think, "Wow, that's why I do what I do!" Yet, in those moments there is this weird sense of frustration, confusion and sadness as I struggle in my own life to get rid of the habits, thoughts and ways of life that have and continue to have such a devastating outcome.

My old ways of life can often be repulsive to me. I hate the fact that there is so much criticism, but I continuously criticize others. I hate that addiction is so rampant, yet I can be consumed by addictive behaviors and habits. I hate that there is a real lack of encouragement to others and that there is great "reward" in what others do as opposed to who they are; yet I too will only applaud actions of others instead of their hearts. I hate the control, lying, manipulation, gossip and downright cruelty of family gatherings, to see people conform to other family member's bossiness and manipulation just to fit in or be accepted tears me apart. How I am SO thrilled to not be controlled by those chains anymore, but so grieved to see others still there. These are the mixed emotions I experience with mixed company.

I suppose it will be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. After all, isn't it the way of the believer? Shouldn't we feel the emotions of joy and thanksgiving for where we have come from, yet continue to hurt for those who are still lost and captivated by the lure of the enemy? I believe so, yes. I believe that this tension is what makes us who we are. I believe it's this tension that keeps us from ever wanting to go back and it's this tension that thrusts us forward to grow in Christ even more and hunger for His life changing transformation everyday!

So, I embrace my struggle. I embrace my "hate" for the ways of this world, but I continue to live in this world and mixed company because I am called to do so. Called to be the light in such a dark place that I used to call home!

Each day is an adventure!

I have truly been finding so much in each day. I see teachable moments in many things. Today my hubby and I walked. It was so refreshing! We walked, talked and connected. It was dark, but beautiful, warm, yet cool and not a cloud in the sky. I was reassured the value of rest. Simple is best and the fast pace of life is way overrated. I enjoy these moments with my husband more than anything. We talk, laugh, listen, share and really connect.

I find this to be the same as our walk with the Lord. Just walk with me, hand in hand, no agenda, no check off list of spiritual habits, no fakeness, no need to dress up or get made-up, no plans, don't clean the house or make any lists.........just dress for the weather and start walking.

I often beat myself up for not spending time with the Lord. I buy bible study books, make a plan, put in my planner what book, chapter and verses to read, etc. But, honestly, my greatest connection with God has been when I just walk! God and I just start walking together. It happens when I sit quietly on the couch and reach for my bible and start reading. It's a smooth, refreshing, pure moment for me. Or it happens when I grab my headphones and start walking and listen to praise music. We walk together, I sing out loud, we connect in a beautiful way!

I often think we complicate everything; vision statements, agendas, outlines, desired outcomes, proposals and set goals. All of these things can be good, don't get me wrong, but more often than not, they become our focus and we entirely miss God in the midst of our good intensions!

In the wonderful words of Andy Stanley.........."less is more!"