Mixed Company

This Christmas, like any since I have been a believer, is full of mixed emotions and mixed company for me. As I grow in my relationship with Christ, I also grow into understanding and knowing my past. It's this weird emotional struggle: jazzed that I am growing and knowing who I am in Christ, learning how to embrace the gifts, talents, personality, emotions, heart and past that God has given me, but with that is this unusual tension of freedom yet burden in understanding my past. It's freeing as any revelation is for me. It's freeing when I see first hand the "training" I learned from my family and friends as a child and it's impact that it has on me now as a person. It's an ah-ha moment when I see it and think, "Wow, that's why I do what I do!" Yet, in those moments there is this weird sense of frustration, confusion and sadness as I struggle in my own life to get rid of the habits, thoughts and ways of life that have and continue to have such a devastating outcome.

My old ways of life can often be repulsive to me. I hate the fact that there is so much criticism, but I continuously criticize others. I hate that addiction is so rampant, yet I can be consumed by addictive behaviors and habits. I hate that there is a real lack of encouragement to others and that there is great "reward" in what others do as opposed to who they are; yet I too will only applaud actions of others instead of their hearts. I hate the control, lying, manipulation, gossip and downright cruelty of family gatherings, to see people conform to other family member's bossiness and manipulation just to fit in or be accepted tears me apart. How I am SO thrilled to not be controlled by those chains anymore, but so grieved to see others still there. These are the mixed emotions I experience with mixed company.

I suppose it will be something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life. After all, isn't it the way of the believer? Shouldn't we feel the emotions of joy and thanksgiving for where we have come from, yet continue to hurt for those who are still lost and captivated by the lure of the enemy? I believe so, yes. I believe that this tension is what makes us who we are. I believe it's this tension that keeps us from ever wanting to go back and it's this tension that thrusts us forward to grow in Christ even more and hunger for His life changing transformation everyday!

So, I embrace my struggle. I embrace my "hate" for the ways of this world, but I continue to live in this world and mixed company because I am called to do so. Called to be the light in such a dark place that I used to call home!